Grief + Belief = Relief

The other day I started the Chopra Center 21 day meditation series. In the first meditation you ask your Higher Self the questions:

1. Who Am I?

2. What is my Dharma (Life Purpose)?

3. What is the next step?

For the last two years, things have become more clear to me as to what my Dharma is. Without much effort on my part, things have fallen into place. Events, people and circumstances have literally fallen into my lap. My natural abilities to process other people's emotional trauma, to talk them down from the ledge and to give them a view of life that they have never seen before was always, by me, taken for granted. I thought that everyone could do this, it was called being a friend.

23 years ago, I created an artificial nail business and quickly built a clientele to support my three daughters and myself as a single mom. Other than taking out flyers every weekend for about 6 months while getting the business started, I did NO advertising. I am artistic, and at the time the nails were sculpted. I picked it up rather quickly and it became a very ZEN art form. At first, I did it so that I could stay home with my young children, but as they grew the business did too and I had to rent space to accommodate it.

Word of mouth spread and the kudos I was getting wasn't for how well I sculpted their fingernails, but for how well I listened and gave advice. I was dubbed, "The cheapest therapist in town." At the time I was on my own spiritual journey and hungered for knowledge about the psyche and spirit. A good read for me was a book on psychology by Carl Jung, or spirituality by Wayne Dyer, Marianne Williamson, Caroline Myss, Deepak Chopra and countless others. I was also a budding student of A Course in Miracles. Little did I know that this learning and information was preparing me for some difficult stuff ahead in my own life as well advising others.

After nine years of being single and dating more men than I want to remember, synchronicity and unusual circumstances connected me with my high school sweetheart, Jay, who I had not seen since 1973 when I and my new husband attended his wedding. He now lived in California.

My 17 year old daughter, Stephanie, had left home to attend a performing arts college in Los Angeles. She was fearless. She graduated from High School a year early and left a boyfriend and her family to follow her dream. She started acting at 6 years old and had received her SAG card when she was 8 for a part she played in a feature film. She had already had a successful career in the business by the time she was 17.

But as a mother, I was uneasy driving her there and leaving her without her knowing a single soul. She drove an older model Toyota which ran like a charm but still the protective mother thing wouldn't stop playing in my head. I thought, "Who do I know who lives in California?" Jay's name popped into my head. I instinctively called information (just to see if he lived anywhere near the college) and before I knew what was happening, the phone was ringing and he picked it up.

I stuttered who I was, after the declaration, "Flash from the past." I explained the situation and he laughed telling me he lived no where near the school. He then continued, "but I commute everyday for an hour, and the business is only a 15 minute drive from the school. He offered to come to meet Stephanie so that she would feel comfortable about calling if she ever needed assistance.

We met for lunch. I felt relieved and left for home the next day. I had given Jay my phone number and it wasn't too long after my California trip that I received a call from him telling me that he had separated from his wife. The marriage had been rocky for 25 years and he suspected she was having an affair, the second one during their marriage.

Having just healed from a terrible experience where a man I was dating and fallen in love with, who was separated and divorcing his wife for the second time, had gone back home when the wife discovered that he had fallen in love with someone else. It became a contest about "winning". She used her children, his parents and their religion to lure him back. I had been devastated.

And so on the phone to Jay, I warned him that I didn't date men until they were divorced. I was willing to be a telephone support to him during the process and if he put one step in front of the other without looking back we may have a chance at exploring the possibilities. He went forward without a hitch and we were married a little over a year later. I packed up my last daughter still living at home and all my things. We moved to Orange County, California. I inherited 4 teenage sons, 3 whom were still living at home. And the fun began.......

My youngest daughter was 14 at the time, she had a hard time fitting in and was accepted by the Gothic kids. She began doing drugs of every kind and brought home a long haired boyfriend who was homeless. It appeared he hadn't bathed for a long time. She started sneaking out at night or going out for the evening and not coming home for days. I was terrified for her life and began reading everything I could about addiction and codependency. I would warn her that if the behavior didn't stop, I would send her to Utah to live with her father and step-mother.

One day she left her diary out in plain sight. I shouldn't have but I did. She was doing everything that I suspected and was having sex. I feared for her life and with a heavy heart, I sent her back to Utah. Her step mother owned a dance studio and related to young girls in a way that I hoped would help Amanda. It turned out that she could help her in a way that I could not. I am happy to say that she had a 360 degree turn around, graduated from High School, attended a few years of college and then became a massage therapist. She is now married and has a 4 year old son and a brand new baby girl.

One step-son, who had just turned 18 was a full blown alcoholic which was escalating and creating serious consequences in his life, he had already dropped out of High School. The youngest of the boys who was 15 was a pot head and pretty apathetic about everything. One out of the three boys had his head on pretty straight but resented me for moving into their home and taking over the roll of his mother. Before the divorce was final, their mother had asked Jay to trade her his condo to move back into the house because she couldn't handle the boys. This was one of the reasons we had married so soon after the divorce. With his commute and long hours, he didn't have much control over the boys either. I did my best to create order out of chaos and eventually created a pretty decent relationship with all of the boys.

Four years into the marriage, Jay was diagnosed with Lou Gehrig's disease (ALS). During the first 2 1/2 years that his body declined, the crazy behavior of the boys escalated and they were being arrested on a regular basis for something. The alcoholism and pot use escalated into harder drug use and violence. They just didn't know what to do with their pain. I looked at Jay one day and said, "Your boys need to know how to be without you, before the are without you. If we are to prolong your live, we have to move away from this stress." He agreed.

His brother had a winter home in Southern Utah and we could get property there for a song. We received a flyer on our front door from a realtor the next day saying she had a client looking for a home in our school district. It was similar to fliers we received all the time, but for some reason, I picked up the phone to call her. She was touring our home within the hour and the home was sold in 45 minutes for $50,000 more than we thought it was worth.

30 days later, we were on our way to Southern Utah. We bought a lot, rented a home and spent the remaining time we had together building Jay's dream home on a golf course. I drew the house on a napkin and then it became a reality. I acted as the General Contractor and discovered that I had a gift for design. It gave Jay a reason to get up everyday with a purpose. We lived there six months before he died.

I lived in the home for eleven months after Jay's death, but put it on the market a few short months afterwards wanting to be close to my daughters in Salt Lake City. I had realized that it was the journey of building the home and making the dream come true that was of value. I ended up taking a big financial hit to sell the house. I bought a great condo in Salt Lake and moved.

I had already opened a Design business and Furniture Store in Salt Lake with a partner and was commuting back and forth. I had always dealt with difficult situations by working, working working and staying busy, busy, busy. This was no different. I rationalized that I had done my grieving for Jay with the loss of each muscle group. That was true in a sense. However, when you go off trying to create the busyness, you make mistakes.

My business partner, unbeknownst to me was addicted to Oxycotin. She drained the store of finances, which I had invested, and reneged on paying the "buy in" amount that she had contracted with me to pay when a large design job was complete. She pocketed the money instead. I ended up locking her out and filing a lawsuit. I was able to keep the doors open for one year afterwards on my own but my savings was getting eaten up.

I closed the doors and found a niche designing remodels and selling furniture wholesale to Property Management Companies in Park City. Most of the rental properties in Park City are managed by a company and I did quite well, but it was hard labor for the money. Out of the blue, I was offered a position at a substantial salary with the largest Design Firm in Utah which was located in Park City. I began working 10 hour days, often taking work home with me at night.

When the recession hit, the business which did 5 million dollars in revenue the year before had only brought in $75,000 the first quarter of 2009. They couldn't see an ending in sight and since the overhead was over $40,000 per month decided to liquidate and close the doors. We were all able to collect unemployment but I was faced with idleness for the first time.

So I managed to keep my house so clean that you could eat off the floors, I sent out resume's everyday and landed a marketing job for a company who made hand carved stone fireplaces and hand forged iron doors. In the meantime, I started up my Design Business again and was doing a few jobs on the side.

I was living with my boyfriend and we had completely gutted and remodeled his home. He had seven children all who lived elsewhere and we had a pretty sane existence. His two youngest children who were about 17 and 19 at the time were using drugs but to what extent we had no idea. We soon learned after a couple of arrests and legal scuffles that they were heroin addicts as was their mother. They were also dabbling in Meth. Doug, my boyfriend was guilt ridden and so codependent that he allowed them to mistreat him and often bailed them out of their troubles.

I began an education process with Doug about how he contributed to the problem. His daughter ended up homeless and asked to move in swearing she was ready to get clean. After setting clear boundaries which she agreed to, it was clear after two days that she was not ready and was just playing us. I packed up her stuff and left in on the front porch. I knew that the best thing to do was to let her hit rock bottom. She hadn't hit it yet.

Soon after, his son and his girlfriend, who were connected at the hip by their meth use, were evicted from their apartment. The girlfriend was arrested on some outstanding warrants and his son asked if he could move in with us. She was to spend 30 days in jail and in the meantime, he had promised to get clean. He was doing quite well on his own. Previously he had tried to stop a dog fight and was bitten deeply on his thumb. Although it was painful he had ignored it and had not seen a doctor. By the time we got him to the emergency room the infection had gone into his bone. He was in serious jeopardy of losing his thumb. I think that scared him enough to stay clean and seemed to be doing better and better.

We knew that if we could keep him away from the girlfriend, his mother and his sister, that he had a good chance of staying clean. I worked with him every day on discovering his Spirit and talked a lot about his life purpose. I had written a manual for re-creating your life. I had written it years ago as a manual for women who were going through a divorce but the concepts applied in any situation. I gave him a copy of it. The manual takes you through a process of identifying your core belief system to discover your self defeating thoughts and behaviors. It then helps you to reprogram your thoughts. He actually began to read it and to do the exercises.

Then..... the girlfriend was released. He asked us if she could spend one night in our home because if she were to go to her own home, she wouldn't be able to stay off the meth, as her mother was an addict and the home was a meth house. We reluctantly agreed. One night turned into several and during a family meeting we told the couple that we felt that they would do better if they were working separately to stay clean. We offered help in the form of a list of free rehab programs available where we could take the girlfriend. She became angry and belligerent. She called her mother who came to get her. After a heated discussion with her family, Doug's son left with them, never to return. Within days they were both back on Meth.

A few months down the road we heard that they were going to have a baby. By this time, we had detached from the situation and had surrendered it to the only One who has any Power over it. They swore to us that they weren't using but the baby was born addicted and taken by the state. She was put in a foster home.

A few weeks after the baby was born, Mike prayed that God would help him to overcome his addictions and be able to solve some of the complications that they had caused in his life. As he finished the prayer, there was a knock on the door and he was arrested on unpaid traffic tickets. He spent 40 days in jail.

His father went to see him after he had been in jail for about 10 days. He had not called and begged to be bailed out as he had in the past. As his father sat in front of him, he saw a sober person with a light in his eyes. He finished his time and asked if he could come to live with us. He wanted to earn his baby back, and was willing to do anything it took to do so. He agreed to sever the relationship with his girlfriend and curtail the relationship with his sister and mother. That was 10 months ago. He has completed a rehab program, has been drug tested 3 times per week for 10 months, he has been working for his father as an electrician and recently led a crew on a project. He has paid off his fines and received his drivers license back. And last month received full custody of his daughter.

He said to me one day, You know, Terri, rehab was educational. I learned a lot about addiction. But it has been the 10 minute drive to and from rehab talking to you that has helped the most. You have changed my thinking and have helped me to see everything differently.

Rehab, unless the program works to heal the body, mind AND SPIRIT doesn't work. My part of the story was to help him to heal his Spirit. To discover his Higher Self and to surrender. He often talks about feeling unworthy of how easy it all has been for him and I tell him that everything he has been through good and bad has prepared him for this moment. He has a purpose and he must discover what that is. He can redeem himself by using his knowledge and gifts to help others.

Out of the blue, my niece called me the other day and confessed to having a cocaine and gambling addiction and asked me to be her sponsor. She asked if she could call me everyday. I was happy to do it, honored that she would trust me enough to ask, but why me? I hadn't seen or talked to her for several years.

At the same time I discovered an old friend on Facebook. I had met her years ago when I had my nail business. She was then addicted to prescription pain killers and going through a terrible divorce. On Facebook, there were photos of her in a cap and gown and she had just gotten a masters degree in addiction therapy. We had lunch. She told me that she had never forgotten some of the things we talked about and that I was instrumental in her turning her own life around. She looked into my eyes and said, "Terri, you need to be doing this."

One of my dearest friends, who for the last seven years has been covering for her husbands amphetamine addiction, (calling it a mental illness) phoned to ask for some financial help. While Doug and I were there, I had the courage to say to her, "Your husband is not mentally ill, he is a drug addict. Let's start there." She cried and gave into it. Within several days, an intervention was held, he agreed that he was an addict and that he was ready for some help. He was whisked away to a 7 week in house rehab treatment program which was paid for by their church.

I was in Walmart the other day waiting for a prescription, just killing time. Jeff, my friends husband sneaked up to me and said, 'Hello, Ma'am." With tears in his eyes, he thanked me for what I had done for him and his family. He told me he was having a bad day and had considered looking for a 12 step meeting. I spent and hour in the store with him processing and we walked out of the store together both feeling a little taller.

So, with these few examples I have written about, my Dharma is very clear. I do not have the time to tell you of every incident that has happened but there have been many more screaming at me to look at my gifts and to begin to use them for God's purpose. I have known this for a long time, but didn't take the first steps towards formally trying to create this as a profession or just a vocation. I knew that I would need to lay out some bucks to finish school and didn't really know where that would come from.

So I have just started reading again, everything I can get my hands on to help the people around me and I made the decision that I would attend the School for The Work presented by Byron Katie. I began to tell people that I was going to do that.

My 88 year old mother, after 4 years of terrible health and dementia passed away in July. It was bitter sweet because she had been a burden on my sister, with whom she had lived with. I had a lot of guilt surrounding that. I would take Mom when they would vacation and try to help her to see her world differently and it would help for about half a day, but then she would forget that it was she who was creating her own reality.

It is funny how we remember who the person was when they died, but my mother would have none of that. Since her death, she has brought memories to my mind of who she truly was and I feel her strong, spunky presence all the time. I am so grateful that she did not allow me to just remember her in the later years.

I was on my computer the other day and happened across a photo of me, my three daughters and my mother at my daughter, Stephanie's, wedding in 2002. She is standing so tall, like she always reminded me to do, and her beauty radiates with the pride she felt for all of us. I don't recall ever seeing that photo before.....

I recently found out that there is a little money in her estate, enough that will pay for my schooling. Thank you Mom; for this, for everything......

So, during the Chopra meditation when I posed to my Higher Self the questions:

Who Am I? I had a clear vision of who I am.

What is my Dharma? There is no question in my mind what that is.

And then the final question:

What is the next step? And as if the angels were singing in unison with my Mothers Alto voice the loudest, I heard the answer....."Grieve."

I had a knot in my stomach since Mom died, I was agitated and angry for no reason. I knew that watching my Mother die had brought up a lot of stuff from watching Jay die but I kept pushing it down. All day before my meditation I had a migraine headache. The instant I received this answer, every physical symptom went away. There are no accidents, and there is no misunderstanding. I will do what I need to do to grieve both deaths, and all the other losses that I have pushed underneath the surface. I know that to achieve my full glory and to fulfill my life purpose the best way that I can, I must be healthy and devoid of any unaddressed issues within myself.

So, grieving properly is my next step. I have no intentions of becoming stuck there but staying long enough to purge the toxic pain and feel all of the proper feelings. We are given a full range of emotions for a reason and every emotion has a purpose for our good. It is NOT weak to grieve. It requires strength and courage and the knowledge that when we get to the other side of it, we will be better for it. Wish me luck.