The Trade Off

Yesterday we buried my Mother. It was more of a celebration than a funeral. Her quality of life had been poor for a long time. And yet, there is still a hole in one's heart when they become a 58 year old orphan.

There were tears and breaking hearts as my Mother's Grandchildren shared memories and the one common thread they had in each story; that she made each of them feel as if they were her favorite. My Mother was a hard act to follow. She embodied love and charity.

I held it together for most of the funeral but I could feel the panic start to rise when we pulled into the cemetery and saw the American Legion standing there with the flag waiting to honor my Mother's military service with a 21 gun salute. It was hot, and my heart began to beat as if I had been running.

Surrounded by a sea of faces that seemed familiar and yet I didn't really know, I sat next to my sister as we waited for everyone to arrive from the mortuary. The pall bearers carried the casket and set it down in front of us , then each removed the boutonniere from their lapel setting them on top.

Ava, my five year old Granddaughter was suddenly on my lap. Fireworks always hurting her ears, feared the noise of the guns and she put my hands over her ears. My head was pounding with the same rapid beat of my heart. This was it, the end. They would lower my Mother's body into the ground, all the ceremonies would be over and we would be left with just memories.

Then.....I felt two, small, cool hands lay softly upon my shoulders. It was Ryen. My tender-hearted 9 year old Granddaughter. This same Granddaughter who broke down in the hospital and sobbed the night my Mother died. The same child who texted me the next day to see how I was doing. I felt my heart begin to slow it's pace, the throbbing in my head began to dull and I began to breathe again.

Ryen was born during the last year of my deceased husbands illness. When everyday was filled with such dreaded expectation and sadness, this child, my first full blooded Granddaughter, gave me a reason to keep my heart open, to stay present, to realize that life goes on and so does love.

Not too long after my husband died, I took Ryen out to dinner, just she and I. When we went inside the restaurant it was daylight and when we left there was the most glorious sunset that I had ever seen. Soon it was dark and I made a comment of how sad it was that the sunset had disappeared. She looked up at me with her huge, round, blue eyes and said, "Don't be sad, Grandma, there will be pink skies tomorrow."

Although I love my beautiful Grandchildren equally, this child and I have a special bond; maybe even a Divine Contract. She volunteered. "'I'll go", she said. "I will be there when her heart is breaking because my heart is big enough for the both of us."

I promise to be there when love first disappoints Ryen and her heart is broken for the first time, to always remind her that the gift she brings to the world heals, inspires, motivates and emulates that of our Maker. I will always tell her that her life has a special purpose, that she is humangelic, part human, part angel. She was born to spread love, soothe the downhearted and remind us all that loss will always have a trade off. And sometimes that trade off is in the form of a beautiful Granddaughter.

I will teach her the importance of keeping her heart open, no matter what, because love is the only thing that is real, and will heal. And that her special heart.....is big enough for the both of us.