Be The Miracle

This afternoon turned out to be one of the most miraculous afternoons of my life. It startedoff by having to run a bunch of errands before my trip to California. I needed to pick upa prescription, have it filled, deposit a check, go to the post office and have my eyelashes dyed. I started at my doctors office to pick up the prescription.

I ran into the office rode the elevatorto the second floor, grabbed the script from the receptionist, raced to the elevator, rode it backto the ground floor, sprinted to my car got in turned the key and nothing happened. The carwould not start. I had a brand new battery but it had to be electrical because I couldn't evenunlock the trunk with my key opener. My partner was out of town, my daughter was working on a photo shoot too far away to help and my youngest has a new baby and a toddler. There wasn't anyone I felt comfortable calling.I just sat there for a minute thinking....and listening.

I tried the key one more time and there wasa flicker of light on the dash board. The word "connection" flashed through my mind. I got out,opened the hood and messed with the connections on my battery. I got into my car with little faiththat I did anything earth shattering but...the car started. I had burned up the time to run the script into the pharmacy so I went to the drive up window. I rangthe call button and noone came. I rang it two more times and still no one came. I finally drove off. I had a check in my purse that I was going to deposit into my bank but I was closer to the bankit was drawn on and I just decided to cash it. I told the teller that I needed a $100 bill for abbirthday card and I didn't care what other bills she gave me to make up the difference. I just had time to make it to my appointment.

When I was finished I remembered that I wassupposed to take a watch with me to California. I didn't have one; I never wear one, so Ididn't want to pay a lot for it. I was driving right by a Walmart on my way home. I could pick upthe watch and have the prescription filled at the same time. I was told that the pharmacist needed 30 minutes, so I picked out a watchand bought a few groceries, then I went back to pick up the script. It wasn't quite ready so I stood in the pick- up line to wait.

Sitting on a bench not too far away, a man was talking on the phone to a family member asking himfor money. He needed $40. He needed it right away and asked if the person on the other line couldwire it to him. He wasn't getting a positive response. He explained that he and his wife had slept inthe car that night. Today, they were picking up their six month old baby from the hospital and ifthey couldn't pay for a hotel room, the baby would also have to sleep in the car this night.

They had a home that they were going to move into the next day. He was distraught. I turned aroundand looked at him. He was healthy, his eyes were clear other than the forlorn look deep within them. I could tell as I observed him that he was getting a "no" on the other end of the line. His eyes began to fill with tears. I thought how hard it must have been for him to make that call.

All at once I could see the Universe flowing around me. I could see my angels smiling because I was beginning to "get it". There I stood witha bag full of cash; a circumstance that would not have happened had my car started on time, or the pharmacy had answered the call at the drive up window, or I had deposited the check, or I hadn't havewaited 30 minutes for the pharmacist. I saw how the Universe had conspired to get me here at THIS very moment.

My vibration started to speed up and then the man said to the person on the phone,"What shall I do, pray for a miracle?" He hung up the phone. I reached into my purse and a $5o bill jumped into my hand. I walked three steps, handed the bill tothe man and said, "Here is your miracle." He looked up at me in shock. He said, "I didn't know that anyone could hear my conversation." I just smiled, made eye contact and said, "God, loves you."

They called my name and I picked up my script, but the vibrational energy was so high that I was shaking and the tears just rolled down my face, right there in Walmart. It was so clear to me that on this day, I had been used and manipulated by a Divine Conspiracy to createa miracle for this man. I felt incredible gratitude for the experience, all of it. I felt blessed,abundant and worthy. What an amazing day.... Some days you need the miracle and some days you ARE the MIRACLE. Watch the Universe conspirefor your good, and the good of those around you. When you STAY AWARE? Everybody wins.

Just Another Day At The Beach

Before I left Utah, I set the intention that I was going to use the 10 days in Los Angeles at The School For The Work to grieve the death of my husband, Jay, who died of ALS in 2003. I had not grieved during the 8 years since his passing. I rationalized that I had grieved with the loss of every muscle group, and I did, and I had not grieved the full impact of his loss or the loss of my Step-Sons and Daughters-in-Law who were forbidden by their mother to see me after Jay’s death. I had not grieved the loss of our lifestyle, the loss of our dream home, or the loss of a business.

Sometimes the loss goes deeper than just the loss of the loved one. When my mother died in July, it brought everything to the surface.In 2003, I felt that I had to be strong for my daughters, step-sons and their spouses. I had to demonstrate how to create a life; in my case to re-create a life. So I set about doing so. I sold the home we built during the last year and a half of Jay’s life and moved back to Salt Lake City to be near my daughters and grandchildren. If I look back now with laser sharp 20/20, I can see that I was placing the responsibility for my happiness on my daughters and innocent little grandchildren. They made my heart sing and I used it like a sedative.

I opened a business which consumed me like a pregnancy; labor pains followed by birth, nurturing and feeding. In the hours that were left I started dating again. It too was like an opiate to ease the pain. I was so not ready to date yet and became a serial dater with the most common word in my vocabulary being “next”. These poor men had some incredible shoes to fill. How brave they were to try.

I ended up sticking it out with the one who put up with my bullshit. At that time, to me that equaled compatibility. Doug was his name and from the beginning he loved me with ALL of his heart. I on the other hand was flat-lined. I could feel neither joy full out nor love full out and most importantly pain full out. It was safe.There were fleeting moments when I would question my lack of emotion but it was too scary to look at for very long. And besides, Doug loved me like a puppy; unconditionally, consistently , supportively and totally. It was working in a mechanical sort of way and I was functioning well most of the time. “And then the day came when remaining inside the bud was too painful”, to quote Anais Nin. I was living against my true nature and heart. Something was preventing me from blooming.

As obvious as it must have been to everyone around me, I didn’t recognize it until I was doing the 21 day meditation provided online by the Chopra Center. The series had the intention of allowing a person to discover his life purpose. I had already discovered my life purpose. Recovering addicts were showing up on my doorstep wanting to know how to re-create a life after the devastation of their addictions. I was an expert at re-creating a life. I was also an expert at the art of surrender and I had the spiritual tools in place to act as a conduit to help others to find that sweet spot.Once I had set the intention to become a Life Design Coach, the key players started to show up in my life to make my vision complete. So in my meditations with the Chopra Center, the question I was meditating on was “What is the next step that I should take?” Within 5 minutes of the meditation on the first day, I heard the word clearly, “GRIEVE!”

My father died in 1988, my mother in July and Jay on Easter in 2003. It was as if it was a trio singing the word in unison. These three key people in my life were the three people who had received my full heart. It was as if they had taken little chunks of it with them. Actually they didn’t take it. It was I who had secretly tucked the pieces into their pockets. So there IT was; the missing piece…. a, “hello”. I knew that if I were to be a clear space to facilitate others, I had to take care of my own stuff. To help others to fully heal, I had to experience healing. With money my mother left me, I enrolled in the Byron Katie School for The Work.

The school is experiential and divinely set up so that each person receives exactly what they come there to get. The first day of School, Katie personally facilitated a chunk of my grief. I had to get clear with an element of it. So I narrowed it down to, “I am angry with Jay because he chose death.” The Work is four questions and turnarounds. She began, Is it true that Jay chose death? I answered, “yes”. I had known 4 months before his diagnoses that he had ALS. I had a spiritual experience that was cryptic but I knew exactly what the flash of vision in my mind had meant. I later had gotten the words, “he can choose life.” Luckily he had believed me when I revealed the first “vision” and had purchased life insurance, but I wasn’t as convincing about the second one. He didn’t even do the stretching exercises they had given him to add time to his ability to walk. It pissed me off. Until I had the war with myself on paper in The School for the Work, I didn’t know that I was angry.

Katie asked the second question, “Can you absolutely KNOW that it is true that Jay chose death?” My answer was “NO”. She continued with the third question, “How do you react when you believe this thought?” I have just described to you in this writing how I reacted when I thought this thought. I was completely shut down. Then she asked the 4th question, “Who would you be without this thought?” I could feel the tears welling up in my eyes. I would be who I used to be; free, joyous, I could laugh again, dance in the kitchen, roll down hills with my Grandkids.Then Katie said, “Can you do the turnaround?” And I GOT IT! I began to sob. The opposite of Jay chose death was “Jay chose Life.” It was such a profound truth that it almost knocked me to the ground. He was trapped in a body that couldn’t move. He could only blink to communicate. To Jay, DEATH WAS LIFE. The next turnaround was equally as profound. I CHOSE DEATH. For 8 years, I was the walking dead. I couldn’t control the sobbing and was encouraged by 235 people to let it go.

I followed the simple directions.When I sat down, I noticed that my back pain was less intense. I had been suffering from 3 bulging disks for a year. I thought that it must just be a coincidence.I followed the simple directions every day at the school and I felt like I was making progress cleaning house with the underworld of distorted thinking.On the fifth day in Los Angeles, buses picked us up to complete one of the exercises.

I had lived in Southern California for 8 years. Los Angeles was not a strange city to me and yet heading towards the city, I felt a little like a child. It was curiously exciting and I boarded the bus with a sense of adventure.The bus began to travel west from the Hotel near the Airport. And then it kept going further west and the farther it went the bigger the knot became in my stomach. Seriously, they were not going there, no they wouldn’t go there, they couldn’t go there……they did go there.

Jay and I were High School Sweethearts. We went separate ways after high school and ended up marrying other people. 27 years later we were synchronistically reunited and the first time we were alone together we drove to Santa Monica Pier. The bus pulled up on Ocean Blvd. alongside the Santa Monica Pier. My heart felt like thunder in my chest.I got off the bus and the city went silent. I headed for the stairs down to the ocean. I walked across the parking lot where we had parked. I retraced the steps in the sand where we had removed our shoes to squish sand between our toes. I just kept walking along the beach, meditating and reliving the experience. The beach was deserted. For as far as I could see it was just white sand, blue sky and ocean. The ocean sparkled with flecks of light from the sun. The temperature was the perfect combination of sunshine and sea breeze. The universe wrapped me in its arms as I kept walking.

This day, this moment, was designed just for me…..by me ??Finally, I noticed a homeless man half sitting, half laying on a bench. I was drawn to sit next to him. He grunted when his anesthetised body felt my presence. This was the place. This was where I would lay it all down. Katie told us that our energy transmits, and I could see that this homeless man was in serious emotional pain. I knew that by releasing my pain here that it would help him to release his also.

I began to breath in slow deep breaths facing the ocean and the sun. I was here to test the friendliness of the universe and at that moment, I met my friend. A portal opened up and I saw things that had always been there but that I had never noticed.I imagined Jay standing shoeless in the sand in front of me. I began to apologize for all the things that I wish I had done and for all the times when I had been less than loving. I told him that I would love him forever but that it was time to say goodbye in what Katie calls, “THE DREAM”.

Suddenly a movie began to play in my head; the highlights of my life with Jay and his boys from the beginning to the end. I had come Full Circle.Then my mother appeared and I reconciled my unfinished business with her; amends, then love. She was joined by my father and I did the same with him. I didn’t feel sweet forgiveness…I felt the sweetness that there was never anything to forgive. We all had done the best that we could do at the time, in the Dream. The only thing they wanted for me was my happiness. There stood the trilogy of those whom I had given my full heart.I told them that I was ready, that I felt safe to release the pain. I would leave it here on the bench at the beach where it all began. I asked them to jump start my heart.

And then I wept. I wept until it was complete. At one point, the light became so bright that the man on the bench stirred, sat up an leaned away from me. It was too late, the love and light had already done its’ job.When I was ready, I rose slowly and walked across the sand to the bike trail. With each step I kept repeating the word, NOW, and NOW, and NOW….I looked up at the pier and saw the boardwalk and Ferris wheel. The memories flooded my head pulling me out of the precious moment.

Suddenly, a man on rollerblades was at my side. He was talking so much that he wasn’t noticing that I was silent. He worked as an accountant up on Ocean Blvd., he had a rock band and moved from the mid west to get more exposure. He was so glad to have a beautiful day so that he could blade on his lunch break. He finally asked my name. I said, “Terri”. He asked me if I lived in Los Angeles and I shook my head “no”. He suddenly lost interest but before he bladed off, he pulled a business card from his pocket and handed it to me. When he was down the bike path a ways, I read the card. The name of his band was “REALITY CHECK TRIO”. I found that so hilarious that I had to sit down on the sand and just laugh. I laughed as hard as I had been weeping. I could not remember laughing that hard in 8 years.

Up on the boardwalk, I sat on a bench and watched the people with all their unique differences. The smells of the food cooking were intense, and the colors vivid. There wasn’t anywhere I looked that I didn’t see beauty. The shop behind me was blaring songs and I listened to the lyrics, ”I know a place. Ain’t nobody cryin’. Ain’t nobody worried…. Help me, come on, come on help me now. I’ll take you there. Help me, I’ll take you there. Just take me by the hand. Let me, I’ll take you there. Let me, let me lead the way. I’ll take you there.”The next song to play was “Love Will Find A Way”. I thought that if I stayed there all day there would be one song after the other with messages from God.

I was ready for more adventure, so I headed to the end of the pier where Jay and I had stood to have our first serious conversation. Another musician was there, a singer/songwriter who was selling his CD’s. The lyrics to his songs could each have been a theme song for The Work. The next message from God, said through the lyrics were, “Keep the good, release the bad, love will show you how.” I knew that it was important to remember this. Katie’s words ran through my head about losing a loved one. She said, “There is no getting over love. Once you question all your thoughts surrounding it, there is no sadness left in you. When the tears roll down your face and someone asks you if you are sad say, ‘I m ecstatic! I’m visiting with a loved one’.” I sat down for quite awhile and just enjoyed the music. I couldn’t remember the last time that I didn’t feel like I was in a hurry.When I was ready, I headed back on the boardwalk toward the street. I saw a classmate who had joined a street musician wearing a brightly colored, striped top hat. She was playing the cow bell. I stopped to share the delight of the moment and then meandered up over the bridge to Ocean and headed down the street.

The whole day felt like a dream, but I had never felt so alive and awake. As I walked, I realized that I had no pain in my back. I had been walking for nearly four hours and the pain was gone. I had left the physical pain back on the bench with my grief. I haven’t had pain since. A coincidence? I don’t think so.

My life had been a feast. It was full of characters past and present who adored me. By repelling the love, I was starving myself to death. The last day at the school, I was telling a classmate about my experience. She said, I have a story to tell you that will complete your circle. She had encountered a homeless man who had starred into her eyes and said, “THIS VACATION?…..GO HOME.” And that is exactly what I did……

Grief + Belief = Relief

The other day I started the Chopra Center 21 day meditation series. In the first meditation you ask your Higher Self the questions:

1. Who Am I?

2. What is my Dharma (Life Purpose)?

3. What is the next step?

For the last two years, things have become more clear to me as to what my Dharma is. Without much effort on my part, things have fallen into place. Events, people and circumstances have literally fallen into my lap. My natural abilities to process other people's emotional trauma, to talk them down from the ledge and to give them a view of life that they have never seen before was always, by me, taken for granted. I thought that everyone could do this, it was called being a friend.

23 years ago, I created an artificial nail business and quickly built a clientele to support my three daughters and myself as a single mom. Other than taking out flyers every weekend for about 6 months while getting the business started, I did NO advertising. I am artistic, and at the time the nails were sculpted. I picked it up rather quickly and it became a very ZEN art form. At first, I did it so that I could stay home with my young children, but as they grew the business did too and I had to rent space to accommodate it.

Word of mouth spread and the kudos I was getting wasn't for how well I sculpted their fingernails, but for how well I listened and gave advice. I was dubbed, "The cheapest therapist in town." At the time I was on my own spiritual journey and hungered for knowledge about the psyche and spirit. A good read for me was a book on psychology by Carl Jung, or spirituality by Wayne Dyer, Marianne Williamson, Caroline Myss, Deepak Chopra and countless others. I was also a budding student of A Course in Miracles. Little did I know that this learning and information was preparing me for some difficult stuff ahead in my own life as well advising others.

After nine years of being single and dating more men than I want to remember, synchronicity and unusual circumstances connected me with my high school sweetheart, Jay, who I had not seen since 1973 when I and my new husband attended his wedding. He now lived in California.

My 17 year old daughter, Stephanie, had left home to attend a performing arts college in Los Angeles. She was fearless. She graduated from High School a year early and left a boyfriend and her family to follow her dream. She started acting at 6 years old and had received her SAG card when she was 8 for a part she played in a feature film. She had already had a successful career in the business by the time she was 17.

But as a mother, I was uneasy driving her there and leaving her without her knowing a single soul. She drove an older model Toyota which ran like a charm but still the protective mother thing wouldn't stop playing in my head. I thought, "Who do I know who lives in California?" Jay's name popped into my head. I instinctively called information (just to see if he lived anywhere near the college) and before I knew what was happening, the phone was ringing and he picked it up.

I stuttered who I was, after the declaration, "Flash from the past." I explained the situation and he laughed telling me he lived no where near the school. He then continued, "but I commute everyday for an hour, and the business is only a 15 minute drive from the school. He offered to come to meet Stephanie so that she would feel comfortable about calling if she ever needed assistance.

We met for lunch. I felt relieved and left for home the next day. I had given Jay my phone number and it wasn't too long after my California trip that I received a call from him telling me that he had separated from his wife. The marriage had been rocky for 25 years and he suspected she was having an affair, the second one during their marriage.

Having just healed from a terrible experience where a man I was dating and fallen in love with, who was separated and divorcing his wife for the second time, had gone back home when the wife discovered that he had fallen in love with someone else. It became a contest about "winning". She used her children, his parents and their religion to lure him back. I had been devastated.

And so on the phone to Jay, I warned him that I didn't date men until they were divorced. I was willing to be a telephone support to him during the process and if he put one step in front of the other without looking back we may have a chance at exploring the possibilities. He went forward without a hitch and we were married a little over a year later. I packed up my last daughter still living at home and all my things. We moved to Orange County, California. I inherited 4 teenage sons, 3 whom were still living at home. And the fun began.......

My youngest daughter was 14 at the time, she had a hard time fitting in and was accepted by the Gothic kids. She began doing drugs of every kind and brought home a long haired boyfriend who was homeless. It appeared he hadn't bathed for a long time. She started sneaking out at night or going out for the evening and not coming home for days. I was terrified for her life and began reading everything I could about addiction and codependency. I would warn her that if the behavior didn't stop, I would send her to Utah to live with her father and step-mother.

One day she left her diary out in plain sight. I shouldn't have but I did. She was doing everything that I suspected and was having sex. I feared for her life and with a heavy heart, I sent her back to Utah. Her step mother owned a dance studio and related to young girls in a way that I hoped would help Amanda. It turned out that she could help her in a way that I could not. I am happy to say that she had a 360 degree turn around, graduated from High School, attended a few years of college and then became a massage therapist. She is now married and has a 4 year old son and a brand new baby girl.

One step-son, who had just turned 18 was a full blown alcoholic which was escalating and creating serious consequences in his life, he had already dropped out of High School. The youngest of the boys who was 15 was a pot head and pretty apathetic about everything. One out of the three boys had his head on pretty straight but resented me for moving into their home and taking over the roll of his mother. Before the divorce was final, their mother had asked Jay to trade her his condo to move back into the house because she couldn't handle the boys. This was one of the reasons we had married so soon after the divorce. With his commute and long hours, he didn't have much control over the boys either. I did my best to create order out of chaos and eventually created a pretty decent relationship with all of the boys.

Four years into the marriage, Jay was diagnosed with Lou Gehrig's disease (ALS). During the first 2 1/2 years that his body declined, the crazy behavior of the boys escalated and they were being arrested on a regular basis for something. The alcoholism and pot use escalated into harder drug use and violence. They just didn't know what to do with their pain. I looked at Jay one day and said, "Your boys need to know how to be without you, before the are without you. If we are to prolong your live, we have to move away from this stress." He agreed.

His brother had a winter home in Southern Utah and we could get property there for a song. We received a flyer on our front door from a realtor the next day saying she had a client looking for a home in our school district. It was similar to fliers we received all the time, but for some reason, I picked up the phone to call her. She was touring our home within the hour and the home was sold in 45 minutes for $50,000 more than we thought it was worth.

30 days later, we were on our way to Southern Utah. We bought a lot, rented a home and spent the remaining time we had together building Jay's dream home on a golf course. I drew the house on a napkin and then it became a reality. I acted as the General Contractor and discovered that I had a gift for design. It gave Jay a reason to get up everyday with a purpose. We lived there six months before he died.

I lived in the home for eleven months after Jay's death, but put it on the market a few short months afterwards wanting to be close to my daughters in Salt Lake City. I had realized that it was the journey of building the home and making the dream come true that was of value. I ended up taking a big financial hit to sell the house. I bought a great condo in Salt Lake and moved.

I had already opened a Design business and Furniture Store in Salt Lake with a partner and was commuting back and forth. I had always dealt with difficult situations by working, working working and staying busy, busy, busy. This was no different. I rationalized that I had done my grieving for Jay with the loss of each muscle group. That was true in a sense. However, when you go off trying to create the busyness, you make mistakes.

My business partner, unbeknownst to me was addicted to Oxycotin. She drained the store of finances, which I had invested, and reneged on paying the "buy in" amount that she had contracted with me to pay when a large design job was complete. She pocketed the money instead. I ended up locking her out and filing a lawsuit. I was able to keep the doors open for one year afterwards on my own but my savings was getting eaten up.

I closed the doors and found a niche designing remodels and selling furniture wholesale to Property Management Companies in Park City. Most of the rental properties in Park City are managed by a company and I did quite well, but it was hard labor for the money. Out of the blue, I was offered a position at a substantial salary with the largest Design Firm in Utah which was located in Park City. I began working 10 hour days, often taking work home with me at night.

When the recession hit, the business which did 5 million dollars in revenue the year before had only brought in $75,000 the first quarter of 2009. They couldn't see an ending in sight and since the overhead was over $40,000 per month decided to liquidate and close the doors. We were all able to collect unemployment but I was faced with idleness for the first time.

So I managed to keep my house so clean that you could eat off the floors, I sent out resume's everyday and landed a marketing job for a company who made hand carved stone fireplaces and hand forged iron doors. In the meantime, I started up my Design Business again and was doing a few jobs on the side.

I was living with my boyfriend and we had completely gutted and remodeled his home. He had seven children all who lived elsewhere and we had a pretty sane existence. His two youngest children who were about 17 and 19 at the time were using drugs but to what extent we had no idea. We soon learned after a couple of arrests and legal scuffles that they were heroin addicts as was their mother. They were also dabbling in Meth. Doug, my boyfriend was guilt ridden and so codependent that he allowed them to mistreat him and often bailed them out of their troubles.

I began an education process with Doug about how he contributed to the problem. His daughter ended up homeless and asked to move in swearing she was ready to get clean. After setting clear boundaries which she agreed to, it was clear after two days that she was not ready and was just playing us. I packed up her stuff and left in on the front porch. I knew that the best thing to do was to let her hit rock bottom. She hadn't hit it yet.

Soon after, his son and his girlfriend, who were connected at the hip by their meth use, were evicted from their apartment. The girlfriend was arrested on some outstanding warrants and his son asked if he could move in with us. She was to spend 30 days in jail and in the meantime, he had promised to get clean. He was doing quite well on his own. Previously he had tried to stop a dog fight and was bitten deeply on his thumb. Although it was painful he had ignored it and had not seen a doctor. By the time we got him to the emergency room the infection had gone into his bone. He was in serious jeopardy of losing his thumb. I think that scared him enough to stay clean and seemed to be doing better and better.

We knew that if we could keep him away from the girlfriend, his mother and his sister, that he had a good chance of staying clean. I worked with him every day on discovering his Spirit and talked a lot about his life purpose. I had written a manual for re-creating your life. I had written it years ago as a manual for women who were going through a divorce but the concepts applied in any situation. I gave him a copy of it. The manual takes you through a process of identifying your core belief system to discover your self defeating thoughts and behaviors. It then helps you to reprogram your thoughts. He actually began to read it and to do the exercises.

Then..... the girlfriend was released. He asked us if she could spend one night in our home because if she were to go to her own home, she wouldn't be able to stay off the meth, as her mother was an addict and the home was a meth house. We reluctantly agreed. One night turned into several and during a family meeting we told the couple that we felt that they would do better if they were working separately to stay clean. We offered help in the form of a list of free rehab programs available where we could take the girlfriend. She became angry and belligerent. She called her mother who came to get her. After a heated discussion with her family, Doug's son left with them, never to return. Within days they were both back on Meth.

A few months down the road we heard that they were going to have a baby. By this time, we had detached from the situation and had surrendered it to the only One who has any Power over it. They swore to us that they weren't using but the baby was born addicted and taken by the state. She was put in a foster home.

A few weeks after the baby was born, Mike prayed that God would help him to overcome his addictions and be able to solve some of the complications that they had caused in his life. As he finished the prayer, there was a knock on the door and he was arrested on unpaid traffic tickets. He spent 40 days in jail.

His father went to see him after he had been in jail for about 10 days. He had not called and begged to be bailed out as he had in the past. As his father sat in front of him, he saw a sober person with a light in his eyes. He finished his time and asked if he could come to live with us. He wanted to earn his baby back, and was willing to do anything it took to do so. He agreed to sever the relationship with his girlfriend and curtail the relationship with his sister and mother. That was 10 months ago. He has completed a rehab program, has been drug tested 3 times per week for 10 months, he has been working for his father as an electrician and recently led a crew on a project. He has paid off his fines and received his drivers license back. And last month received full custody of his daughter.

He said to me one day, You know, Terri, rehab was educational. I learned a lot about addiction. But it has been the 10 minute drive to and from rehab talking to you that has helped the most. You have changed my thinking and have helped me to see everything differently.

Rehab, unless the program works to heal the body, mind AND SPIRIT doesn't work. My part of the story was to help him to heal his Spirit. To discover his Higher Self and to surrender. He often talks about feeling unworthy of how easy it all has been for him and I tell him that everything he has been through good and bad has prepared him for this moment. He has a purpose and he must discover what that is. He can redeem himself by using his knowledge and gifts to help others.

Out of the blue, my niece called me the other day and confessed to having a cocaine and gambling addiction and asked me to be her sponsor. She asked if she could call me everyday. I was happy to do it, honored that she would trust me enough to ask, but why me? I hadn't seen or talked to her for several years.

At the same time I discovered an old friend on Facebook. I had met her years ago when I had my nail business. She was then addicted to prescription pain killers and going through a terrible divorce. On Facebook, there were photos of her in a cap and gown and she had just gotten a masters degree in addiction therapy. We had lunch. She told me that she had never forgotten some of the things we talked about and that I was instrumental in her turning her own life around. She looked into my eyes and said, "Terri, you need to be doing this."

One of my dearest friends, who for the last seven years has been covering for her husbands amphetamine addiction, (calling it a mental illness) phoned to ask for some financial help. While Doug and I were there, I had the courage to say to her, "Your husband is not mentally ill, he is a drug addict. Let's start there." She cried and gave into it. Within several days, an intervention was held, he agreed that he was an addict and that he was ready for some help. He was whisked away to a 7 week in house rehab treatment program which was paid for by their church.

I was in Walmart the other day waiting for a prescription, just killing time. Jeff, my friends husband sneaked up to me and said, 'Hello, Ma'am." With tears in his eyes, he thanked me for what I had done for him and his family. He told me he was having a bad day and had considered looking for a 12 step meeting. I spent and hour in the store with him processing and we walked out of the store together both feeling a little taller.

So, with these few examples I have written about, my Dharma is very clear. I do not have the time to tell you of every incident that has happened but there have been many more screaming at me to look at my gifts and to begin to use them for God's purpose. I have known this for a long time, but didn't take the first steps towards formally trying to create this as a profession or just a vocation. I knew that I would need to lay out some bucks to finish school and didn't really know where that would come from.

So I have just started reading again, everything I can get my hands on to help the people around me and I made the decision that I would attend the School for The Work presented by Byron Katie. I began to tell people that I was going to do that.

My 88 year old mother, after 4 years of terrible health and dementia passed away in July. It was bitter sweet because she had been a burden on my sister, with whom she had lived with. I had a lot of guilt surrounding that. I would take Mom when they would vacation and try to help her to see her world differently and it would help for about half a day, but then she would forget that it was she who was creating her own reality.

It is funny how we remember who the person was when they died, but my mother would have none of that. Since her death, she has brought memories to my mind of who she truly was and I feel her strong, spunky presence all the time. I am so grateful that she did not allow me to just remember her in the later years.

I was on my computer the other day and happened across a photo of me, my three daughters and my mother at my daughter, Stephanie's, wedding in 2002. She is standing so tall, like she always reminded me to do, and her beauty radiates with the pride she felt for all of us. I don't recall ever seeing that photo before.....

I recently found out that there is a little money in her estate, enough that will pay for my schooling. Thank you Mom; for this, for everything......

So, during the Chopra meditation when I posed to my Higher Self the questions:

Who Am I? I had a clear vision of who I am.

What is my Dharma? There is no question in my mind what that is.

And then the final question:

What is the next step? And as if the angels were singing in unison with my Mothers Alto voice the loudest, I heard the answer....."Grieve."

I had a knot in my stomach since Mom died, I was agitated and angry for no reason. I knew that watching my Mother die had brought up a lot of stuff from watching Jay die but I kept pushing it down. All day before my meditation I had a migraine headache. The instant I received this answer, every physical symptom went away. There are no accidents, and there is no misunderstanding. I will do what I need to do to grieve both deaths, and all the other losses that I have pushed underneath the surface. I know that to achieve my full glory and to fulfill my life purpose the best way that I can, I must be healthy and devoid of any unaddressed issues within myself.

So, grieving properly is my next step. I have no intentions of becoming stuck there but staying long enough to purge the toxic pain and feel all of the proper feelings. We are given a full range of emotions for a reason and every emotion has a purpose for our good. It is NOT weak to grieve. It requires strength and courage and the knowledge that when we get to the other side of it, we will be better for it. Wish me luck.

Music To My Ears

In a box the other day, I found a CD that my daughter, Stephanie, made for me in 2001. It is entitled “Our Music”. Music that either evoked vivid memories of her childhood, growing up, or symbolized life lessons that she had learned raised with two sisters by a single mother.

I put the CD in the player. At first the music took me back to those days when I was both Mother and Father to my children. For just a second, I thought about the financial struggle, creating a business that would provide for us, the dating…….(kissing many frogs in the process), and the limited time I had with my daughters. All the while, trying to instill values, self-esteem, confidence and trying to bring each daughter’s special talents and gifts to the surface.

At the time, I felt like I was spread too thin and I didn’t have the time to do anything right. Much of the time I felt like the Linus character in the Peanuts comics, my voice sounding like, “wah, wah, wah”; nobody listening to what I was saying, believing or teaching.

As I listened to the music and the lyrics, it became validation that my daughter, who was 23 at the time, had listened, had believed and had become all and more than my dreams for her. I cried through every song.

Single mothers out there, don’t get discouraged, don’t stop talking, teaching or mirroring. They hear you. You are the single most important person in their lives. Who they become will be a direct result of who YOU are. Make the best of it.

Playlist

1. I Love You Just The Way You Are ~ “I said I love you and that's forever and this I promise from the heart. I could not love you any better I love you just the way you are.”

2. I Can Do That! ~ “I'm watchin' Sis go pitterpat…. Said, "I can do that, I can do that."Knew ev'ry step right off the bat….Said, "I can do that, I can do that."

3. Stray Cat Strut ~ “ I’m flat broke but I don’t care, I strut right by with my tail in the air.”

4. It’s a Hard Knock Life BUT The Sun Will Come Out Tomorrow (Stephanie played Molly in a production of Annie when she was 6 years old.)

5. The Greatest Love of All ~ “Learning to love yourself is the greatest love of all.”

6. The Rainbow Connection ~ “I’ve heard it too many times to ignore it, there’s something that I’m supposed to be. Someday we’ll find it, the Rainbow Connection, the lovers, the dreamers and me.”

7. Angels Among Us ~ “I believe there are angels among us, sent down to us from somewhere up above. They come to you and me in our darkest hours to show us how to live, to teach us how to give, to guide us with their light of love.”

8. In The Living Years ~ “Say it loud, say it clear you can listen as well as you hear.”

9. Here, There and Everywhere ~ “Each one believing that love never dies, watching their eyes and hoping I’m always there….”

10. The Wind Beneath My Wings ~ “I can fly high as an Eagle….cause you are the wind beneath my wings.”

The Trade Off

Yesterday we buried my Mother. It was more of a celebration than a funeral. Her quality of life had been poor for a long time. And yet, there is still a hole in one's heart when they become a 58 year old orphan.

There were tears and breaking hearts as my Mother's Grandchildren shared memories and the one common thread they had in each story; that she made each of them feel as if they were her favorite. My Mother was a hard act to follow. She embodied love and charity.

I held it together for most of the funeral but I could feel the panic start to rise when we pulled into the cemetery and saw the American Legion standing there with the flag waiting to honor my Mother's military service with a 21 gun salute. It was hot, and my heart began to beat as if I had been running.

Surrounded by a sea of faces that seemed familiar and yet I didn't really know, I sat next to my sister as we waited for everyone to arrive from the mortuary. The pall bearers carried the casket and set it down in front of us , then each removed the boutonniere from their lapel setting them on top.

Ava, my five year old Granddaughter was suddenly on my lap. Fireworks always hurting her ears, feared the noise of the guns and she put my hands over her ears. My head was pounding with the same rapid beat of my heart. This was it, the end. They would lower my Mother's body into the ground, all the ceremonies would be over and we would be left with just memories.

Then.....I felt two, small, cool hands lay softly upon my shoulders. It was Ryen. My tender-hearted 9 year old Granddaughter. This same Granddaughter who broke down in the hospital and sobbed the night my Mother died. The same child who texted me the next day to see how I was doing. I felt my heart begin to slow it's pace, the throbbing in my head began to dull and I began to breathe again.

Ryen was born during the last year of my deceased husbands illness. When everyday was filled with such dreaded expectation and sadness, this child, my first full blooded Granddaughter, gave me a reason to keep my heart open, to stay present, to realize that life goes on and so does love.

Not too long after my husband died, I took Ryen out to dinner, just she and I. When we went inside the restaurant it was daylight and when we left there was the most glorious sunset that I had ever seen. Soon it was dark and I made a comment of how sad it was that the sunset had disappeared. She looked up at me with her huge, round, blue eyes and said, "Don't be sad, Grandma, there will be pink skies tomorrow."

Although I love my beautiful Grandchildren equally, this child and I have a special bond; maybe even a Divine Contract. She volunteered. "'I'll go", she said. "I will be there when her heart is breaking because my heart is big enough for the both of us."

I promise to be there when love first disappoints Ryen and her heart is broken for the first time, to always remind her that the gift she brings to the world heals, inspires, motivates and emulates that of our Maker. I will always tell her that her life has a special purpose, that she is humangelic, part human, part angel. She was born to spread love, soothe the downhearted and remind us all that loss will always have a trade off. And sometimes that trade off is in the form of a beautiful Granddaughter.

I will teach her the importance of keeping her heart open, no matter what, because love is the only thing that is real, and will heal. And that her special heart.....is big enough for the both of us.

You Think You Are Ready...

Tonight at 9:55, we allowed my 87 year old mother to die.

Dad died in 1988 and Mom has wanted to die ever since.

She was the spunkiest woman I have ever known. She was a Sergeant in the Marine Corp. during World War II, and made it clear to my sister that she wants a 21 gun salute at her funeral. My sister offered me the flag because she has my Dad's, but really, that doesn't interest me. I don't want anything that reminds me that there ARE wars in the world.

I don't want anything that reminds me that we allowed her to die.

She taught me that the word "shit" was one of the most powerful words in the English language but for it to maintain it's power, it must be used in the most appropriate circumstance. She taught me to always do hospital corners when I made a bed. She taught me to stick up for myself and that I could DO anything or BE anyone I wanted to BE. She taught me to NEVER be intimidated by anyone.

She was a stickler when it came to using proper English which in turn made me a stickler with my daughters. All this became a gift to me. Like polished buttons on a marine jacket, she polished my rough edges. I became a woman of strength, substance, opinion, and discipline. And yes, one who uses the word "shit" in the most appropriate of circumstances.

I'm not sure what happened to my Mother's spunk, but for the last few years she had given up on life. She sat in a chair and read book after book until her eyes went bad, and withdrew a little further when her hearing started to go. Creating Hell between her ears, she existed in a quiet world which was ruled by fear and worry.

She lost a down syndrome baby at three months old, soon after giving birth to stillborn twins. This cut the wind from her sails but she pulled herself together creating a successful career at a local hospital. She was the boss and it suited her.

We butted heads while I was growing up. She was overprotective which I really did not understand until much later, after I had my own children and realized how tragic it would be to lose one of them.

Actually she was the perfect choice to be my mother. By bumping up against her values, religious believes, her fear and worry, I discovered myself. Our debates forced me to read and study, to meditate, to ASK for Divine guidance, to seek my own truth, to find my own inner peace and to never fear or worry about the unknown.

She lived with my sister and when they would vacation I would take care of her. I would spend days trying to teach her about the power of thought and how we create our own reality and she would really "get it." I made her watch "Life is beautiful" every time she stayed with me. The problem was that she had dementia and would forget as quickly as I would teach.

Tuesday morning my sister went down to my Mother's apartment and found her on the floor between the bed and the wall. She had fallen and broken a hip.

The paramedics arrived with their sirens on and transported her to the hospital. Her health was poor to begin with and because of the blood thinner she took everyday to avoid blood clots, they postponed her surgery while they gave her frozen plasma to thicken her blood. During the night, her kidneys started to fail as did her heart. Her lungs began to fill with fluid and the decision was made to try to get her stronger and healthier before they did the surgery. Then the medication influx began but the one that was to clear her kidneys did not work. We were told that once the anethesiologist got her under, they may have to leave the tubes in indefinitely. She could throw a clot because of her history of clots which was exacerbated by the fact that they had to thicken her blood. I could see the train wreck before it happened.

She spent the day talking about her experience in Netherworlds, about times in the past and about people in the present who had left this world long ago. She asked question after question that were impossible to answer because they were preposterous. She told the Respiratory Therapist that she was mad at him and the nurse that she owed her a dance. She told my sister that she could walk on water and wondered why my sister could not.

We spent the day looking for rehabilitation centers, finding out about veterans benefits for hospice care, and worrying about the warnings we had received from the doctors of all the things that could go wrong with this high risk surgery. Each time the doctor would come in there were more warnings, more symptoms, more questions for us to answer.

And then.... The doctor came in and mentioned another option. Stop all the medication and keep her comfortable. He finally came clean with the truth. If they removed the oxygen, she would not be able to sustain life on her own.

My sister and I, without having to say a word, looked at each other and knew what she would want us to do. We gathered all our children and grandchildren to say goodbye.

It took much longer for nature to take it's course than we had hoped, as if she was saying, "I'll leave when I get damn good and ready." Eventually, that old broken body let her go and the room was filled with peace. The doctor came in to pronounce the death and praised us for making a decision that was in our mother's best interest, but after watching her fight death for one hour, neither of us felt praiseworthy. We signed papers, gave instructions, went through all the motions in a fog. After the day we had just spent my mind was mush.

But as we finished up the loose ends and walked to my car, I had to think to myself, "You know...I think she really does walk on water."

I love you, Mom. I imagine Dad taking you by your healed arthritic hands and pulling you close; twirling and laughing and flipping your skirt to show off those beautiful legs that you were always so proud of. I am so at peace to know that you and Dad are together again, right where you belong.....

What If???

ON RELATIONSHIPS…..

• WHAT IF you had no expectations?
• WHAT IF you could be ALONE without feeling lonely?
• WHAT IF you placed no agenda or projected the future onto budding relationships?
• WHAT IF you allowed a relationship to evolve at its own pace?
• WHAT IF when someone left the relationship, you didn't feel rejected?
• WHAT IF you could have your needs met outside of a ROMANTIC relationship?
• WHAT IF you don't have to give up yourself to be loved?
• WHAT IF everyone could be your soul mate?
• WHAT IF everyone you met was assigned to you either to teach you or learn from you:
• WHAT IF you became emotionally available by learning about yourself?
• WHAT IF there isn't just ONE "TYPE" of person just for you?
• WHAT IF you stayed in a relationship when you felt commitment anxiety..... Until you worked through your fears.?
• WHAT IF equality could be maintained in a relationship if each had a strong sense of their OWN individuality?
• WHAT IF you could AGREE to DISAGREE about issues that cause conflict in the relationship?
• WHAT IF You redefined gender roles?
• WHAT IF power and control were not necessary?
• WHAT IF winning an argument was not important?
• WHAT IF divorce wasn't failure?
• WHAT IF divorce had the potential to free you from an unsatisfactory relationship, allow you to DEVELOP as an adult and CHANGE in gratifying ways?
• WHAT IF sometimes, divorce is positive and necessary and can result in greater personal contentment, increased self-esteem and healthier levels of psychological functioning.?
• WHAT IF you are only alive to learn how to LOVE and FORGIVE?
• WHAT IF WE CHANGED OUR BELIEFS AND EXPECTATIONS ABOUT RELATIONSHIPS