Grief + Belief = Relief

The other day I started the Chopra Center 21 day meditation series. In the first meditation you ask your Higher Self the questions:

1. Who Am I?

2. What is my Dharma (Life Purpose)?

3. What is the next step?

For the last two years, things have become more clear to me as to what my Dharma is. Without much effort on my part, things have fallen into place. Events, people and circumstances have literally fallen into my lap. My natural abilities to process other people's emotional trauma, to talk them down from the ledge and to give them a view of life that they have never seen before was always, by me, taken for granted. I thought that everyone could do this, it was called being a friend.

23 years ago, I created an artificial nail business and quickly built a clientele to support my three daughters and myself as a single mom. Other than taking out flyers every weekend for about 6 months while getting the business started, I did NO advertising. I am artistic, and at the time the nails were sculpted. I picked it up rather quickly and it became a very ZEN art form. At first, I did it so that I could stay home with my young children, but as they grew the business did too and I had to rent space to accommodate it.

Word of mouth spread and the kudos I was getting wasn't for how well I sculpted their fingernails, but for how well I listened and gave advice. I was dubbed, "The cheapest therapist in town." At the time I was on my own spiritual journey and hungered for knowledge about the psyche and spirit. A good read for me was a book on psychology by Carl Jung, or spirituality by Wayne Dyer, Marianne Williamson, Caroline Myss, Deepak Chopra and countless others. I was also a budding student of A Course in Miracles. Little did I know that this learning and information was preparing me for some difficult stuff ahead in my own life as well advising others.

After nine years of being single and dating more men than I want to remember, synchronicity and unusual circumstances connected me with my high school sweetheart, Jay, who I had not seen since 1973 when I and my new husband attended his wedding. He now lived in California.

My 17 year old daughter, Stephanie, had left home to attend a performing arts college in Los Angeles. She was fearless. She graduated from High School a year early and left a boyfriend and her family to follow her dream. She started acting at 6 years old and had received her SAG card when she was 8 for a part she played in a feature film. She had already had a successful career in the business by the time she was 17.

But as a mother, I was uneasy driving her there and leaving her without her knowing a single soul. She drove an older model Toyota which ran like a charm but still the protective mother thing wouldn't stop playing in my head. I thought, "Who do I know who lives in California?" Jay's name popped into my head. I instinctively called information (just to see if he lived anywhere near the college) and before I knew what was happening, the phone was ringing and he picked it up.

I stuttered who I was, after the declaration, "Flash from the past." I explained the situation and he laughed telling me he lived no where near the school. He then continued, "but I commute everyday for an hour, and the business is only a 15 minute drive from the school. He offered to come to meet Stephanie so that she would feel comfortable about calling if she ever needed assistance.

We met for lunch. I felt relieved and left for home the next day. I had given Jay my phone number and it wasn't too long after my California trip that I received a call from him telling me that he had separated from his wife. The marriage had been rocky for 25 years and he suspected she was having an affair, the second one during their marriage.

Having just healed from a terrible experience where a man I was dating and fallen in love with, who was separated and divorcing his wife for the second time, had gone back home when the wife discovered that he had fallen in love with someone else. It became a contest about "winning". She used her children, his parents and their religion to lure him back. I had been devastated.

And so on the phone to Jay, I warned him that I didn't date men until they were divorced. I was willing to be a telephone support to him during the process and if he put one step in front of the other without looking back we may have a chance at exploring the possibilities. He went forward without a hitch and we were married a little over a year later. I packed up my last daughter still living at home and all my things. We moved to Orange County, California. I inherited 4 teenage sons, 3 whom were still living at home. And the fun began.......

My youngest daughter was 14 at the time, she had a hard time fitting in and was accepted by the Gothic kids. She began doing drugs of every kind and brought home a long haired boyfriend who was homeless. It appeared he hadn't bathed for a long time. She started sneaking out at night or going out for the evening and not coming home for days. I was terrified for her life and began reading everything I could about addiction and codependency. I would warn her that if the behavior didn't stop, I would send her to Utah to live with her father and step-mother.

One day she left her diary out in plain sight. I shouldn't have but I did. She was doing everything that I suspected and was having sex. I feared for her life and with a heavy heart, I sent her back to Utah. Her step mother owned a dance studio and related to young girls in a way that I hoped would help Amanda. It turned out that she could help her in a way that I could not. I am happy to say that she had a 360 degree turn around, graduated from High School, attended a few years of college and then became a massage therapist. She is now married and has a 4 year old son and a brand new baby girl.

One step-son, who had just turned 18 was a full blown alcoholic which was escalating and creating serious consequences in his life, he had already dropped out of High School. The youngest of the boys who was 15 was a pot head and pretty apathetic about everything. One out of the three boys had his head on pretty straight but resented me for moving into their home and taking over the roll of his mother. Before the divorce was final, their mother had asked Jay to trade her his condo to move back into the house because she couldn't handle the boys. This was one of the reasons we had married so soon after the divorce. With his commute and long hours, he didn't have much control over the boys either. I did my best to create order out of chaos and eventually created a pretty decent relationship with all of the boys.

Four years into the marriage, Jay was diagnosed with Lou Gehrig's disease (ALS). During the first 2 1/2 years that his body declined, the crazy behavior of the boys escalated and they were being arrested on a regular basis for something. The alcoholism and pot use escalated into harder drug use and violence. They just didn't know what to do with their pain. I looked at Jay one day and said, "Your boys need to know how to be without you, before the are without you. If we are to prolong your live, we have to move away from this stress." He agreed.

His brother had a winter home in Southern Utah and we could get property there for a song. We received a flyer on our front door from a realtor the next day saying she had a client looking for a home in our school district. It was similar to fliers we received all the time, but for some reason, I picked up the phone to call her. She was touring our home within the hour and the home was sold in 45 minutes for $50,000 more than we thought it was worth.

30 days later, we were on our way to Southern Utah. We bought a lot, rented a home and spent the remaining time we had together building Jay's dream home on a golf course. I drew the house on a napkin and then it became a reality. I acted as the General Contractor and discovered that I had a gift for design. It gave Jay a reason to get up everyday with a purpose. We lived there six months before he died.

I lived in the home for eleven months after Jay's death, but put it on the market a few short months afterwards wanting to be close to my daughters in Salt Lake City. I had realized that it was the journey of building the home and making the dream come true that was of value. I ended up taking a big financial hit to sell the house. I bought a great condo in Salt Lake and moved.

I had already opened a Design business and Furniture Store in Salt Lake with a partner and was commuting back and forth. I had always dealt with difficult situations by working, working working and staying busy, busy, busy. This was no different. I rationalized that I had done my grieving for Jay with the loss of each muscle group. That was true in a sense. However, when you go off trying to create the busyness, you make mistakes.

My business partner, unbeknownst to me was addicted to Oxycotin. She drained the store of finances, which I had invested, and reneged on paying the "buy in" amount that she had contracted with me to pay when a large design job was complete. She pocketed the money instead. I ended up locking her out and filing a lawsuit. I was able to keep the doors open for one year afterwards on my own but my savings was getting eaten up.

I closed the doors and found a niche designing remodels and selling furniture wholesale to Property Management Companies in Park City. Most of the rental properties in Park City are managed by a company and I did quite well, but it was hard labor for the money. Out of the blue, I was offered a position at a substantial salary with the largest Design Firm in Utah which was located in Park City. I began working 10 hour days, often taking work home with me at night.

When the recession hit, the business which did 5 million dollars in revenue the year before had only brought in $75,000 the first quarter of 2009. They couldn't see an ending in sight and since the overhead was over $40,000 per month decided to liquidate and close the doors. We were all able to collect unemployment but I was faced with idleness for the first time.

So I managed to keep my house so clean that you could eat off the floors, I sent out resume's everyday and landed a marketing job for a company who made hand carved stone fireplaces and hand forged iron doors. In the meantime, I started up my Design Business again and was doing a few jobs on the side.

I was living with my boyfriend and we had completely gutted and remodeled his home. He had seven children all who lived elsewhere and we had a pretty sane existence. His two youngest children who were about 17 and 19 at the time were using drugs but to what extent we had no idea. We soon learned after a couple of arrests and legal scuffles that they were heroin addicts as was their mother. They were also dabbling in Meth. Doug, my boyfriend was guilt ridden and so codependent that he allowed them to mistreat him and often bailed them out of their troubles.

I began an education process with Doug about how he contributed to the problem. His daughter ended up homeless and asked to move in swearing she was ready to get clean. After setting clear boundaries which she agreed to, it was clear after two days that she was not ready and was just playing us. I packed up her stuff and left in on the front porch. I knew that the best thing to do was to let her hit rock bottom. She hadn't hit it yet.

Soon after, his son and his girlfriend, who were connected at the hip by their meth use, were evicted from their apartment. The girlfriend was arrested on some outstanding warrants and his son asked if he could move in with us. She was to spend 30 days in jail and in the meantime, he had promised to get clean. He was doing quite well on his own. Previously he had tried to stop a dog fight and was bitten deeply on his thumb. Although it was painful he had ignored it and had not seen a doctor. By the time we got him to the emergency room the infection had gone into his bone. He was in serious jeopardy of losing his thumb. I think that scared him enough to stay clean and seemed to be doing better and better.

We knew that if we could keep him away from the girlfriend, his mother and his sister, that he had a good chance of staying clean. I worked with him every day on discovering his Spirit and talked a lot about his life purpose. I had written a manual for re-creating your life. I had written it years ago as a manual for women who were going through a divorce but the concepts applied in any situation. I gave him a copy of it. The manual takes you through a process of identifying your core belief system to discover your self defeating thoughts and behaviors. It then helps you to reprogram your thoughts. He actually began to read it and to do the exercises.

Then..... the girlfriend was released. He asked us if she could spend one night in our home because if she were to go to her own home, she wouldn't be able to stay off the meth, as her mother was an addict and the home was a meth house. We reluctantly agreed. One night turned into several and during a family meeting we told the couple that we felt that they would do better if they were working separately to stay clean. We offered help in the form of a list of free rehab programs available where we could take the girlfriend. She became angry and belligerent. She called her mother who came to get her. After a heated discussion with her family, Doug's son left with them, never to return. Within days they were both back on Meth.

A few months down the road we heard that they were going to have a baby. By this time, we had detached from the situation and had surrendered it to the only One who has any Power over it. They swore to us that they weren't using but the baby was born addicted and taken by the state. She was put in a foster home.

A few weeks after the baby was born, Mike prayed that God would help him to overcome his addictions and be able to solve some of the complications that they had caused in his life. As he finished the prayer, there was a knock on the door and he was arrested on unpaid traffic tickets. He spent 40 days in jail.

His father went to see him after he had been in jail for about 10 days. He had not called and begged to be bailed out as he had in the past. As his father sat in front of him, he saw a sober person with a light in his eyes. He finished his time and asked if he could come to live with us. He wanted to earn his baby back, and was willing to do anything it took to do so. He agreed to sever the relationship with his girlfriend and curtail the relationship with his sister and mother. That was 10 months ago. He has completed a rehab program, has been drug tested 3 times per week for 10 months, he has been working for his father as an electrician and recently led a crew on a project. He has paid off his fines and received his drivers license back. And last month received full custody of his daughter.

He said to me one day, You know, Terri, rehab was educational. I learned a lot about addiction. But it has been the 10 minute drive to and from rehab talking to you that has helped the most. You have changed my thinking and have helped me to see everything differently.

Rehab, unless the program works to heal the body, mind AND SPIRIT doesn't work. My part of the story was to help him to heal his Spirit. To discover his Higher Self and to surrender. He often talks about feeling unworthy of how easy it all has been for him and I tell him that everything he has been through good and bad has prepared him for this moment. He has a purpose and he must discover what that is. He can redeem himself by using his knowledge and gifts to help others.

Out of the blue, my niece called me the other day and confessed to having a cocaine and gambling addiction and asked me to be her sponsor. She asked if she could call me everyday. I was happy to do it, honored that she would trust me enough to ask, but why me? I hadn't seen or talked to her for several years.

At the same time I discovered an old friend on Facebook. I had met her years ago when I had my nail business. She was then addicted to prescription pain killers and going through a terrible divorce. On Facebook, there were photos of her in a cap and gown and she had just gotten a masters degree in addiction therapy. We had lunch. She told me that she had never forgotten some of the things we talked about and that I was instrumental in her turning her own life around. She looked into my eyes and said, "Terri, you need to be doing this."

One of my dearest friends, who for the last seven years has been covering for her husbands amphetamine addiction, (calling it a mental illness) phoned to ask for some financial help. While Doug and I were there, I had the courage to say to her, "Your husband is not mentally ill, he is a drug addict. Let's start there." She cried and gave into it. Within several days, an intervention was held, he agreed that he was an addict and that he was ready for some help. He was whisked away to a 7 week in house rehab treatment program which was paid for by their church.

I was in Walmart the other day waiting for a prescription, just killing time. Jeff, my friends husband sneaked up to me and said, 'Hello, Ma'am." With tears in his eyes, he thanked me for what I had done for him and his family. He told me he was having a bad day and had considered looking for a 12 step meeting. I spent and hour in the store with him processing and we walked out of the store together both feeling a little taller.

So, with these few examples I have written about, my Dharma is very clear. I do not have the time to tell you of every incident that has happened but there have been many more screaming at me to look at my gifts and to begin to use them for God's purpose. I have known this for a long time, but didn't take the first steps towards formally trying to create this as a profession or just a vocation. I knew that I would need to lay out some bucks to finish school and didn't really know where that would come from.

So I have just started reading again, everything I can get my hands on to help the people around me and I made the decision that I would attend the School for The Work presented by Byron Katie. I began to tell people that I was going to do that.

My 88 year old mother, after 4 years of terrible health and dementia passed away in July. It was bitter sweet because she had been a burden on my sister, with whom she had lived with. I had a lot of guilt surrounding that. I would take Mom when they would vacation and try to help her to see her world differently and it would help for about half a day, but then she would forget that it was she who was creating her own reality.

It is funny how we remember who the person was when they died, but my mother would have none of that. Since her death, she has brought memories to my mind of who she truly was and I feel her strong, spunky presence all the time. I am so grateful that she did not allow me to just remember her in the later years.

I was on my computer the other day and happened across a photo of me, my three daughters and my mother at my daughter, Stephanie's, wedding in 2002. She is standing so tall, like she always reminded me to do, and her beauty radiates with the pride she felt for all of us. I don't recall ever seeing that photo before.....

I recently found out that there is a little money in her estate, enough that will pay for my schooling. Thank you Mom; for this, for everything......

So, during the Chopra meditation when I posed to my Higher Self the questions:

Who Am I? I had a clear vision of who I am.

What is my Dharma? There is no question in my mind what that is.

And then the final question:

What is the next step? And as if the angels were singing in unison with my Mothers Alto voice the loudest, I heard the answer....."Grieve."

I had a knot in my stomach since Mom died, I was agitated and angry for no reason. I knew that watching my Mother die had brought up a lot of stuff from watching Jay die but I kept pushing it down. All day before my meditation I had a migraine headache. The instant I received this answer, every physical symptom went away. There are no accidents, and there is no misunderstanding. I will do what I need to do to grieve both deaths, and all the other losses that I have pushed underneath the surface. I know that to achieve my full glory and to fulfill my life purpose the best way that I can, I must be healthy and devoid of any unaddressed issues within myself.

So, grieving properly is my next step. I have no intentions of becoming stuck there but staying long enough to purge the toxic pain and feel all of the proper feelings. We are given a full range of emotions for a reason and every emotion has a purpose for our good. It is NOT weak to grieve. It requires strength and courage and the knowledge that when we get to the other side of it, we will be better for it. Wish me luck.

Music To My Ears

In a box the other day, I found a CD that my daughter, Stephanie, made for me in 2001. It is entitled “Our Music”. Music that either evoked vivid memories of her childhood, growing up, or symbolized life lessons that she had learned raised with two sisters by a single mother.

I put the CD in the player. At first the music took me back to those days when I was both Mother and Father to my children. For just a second, I thought about the financial struggle, creating a business that would provide for us, the dating…….(kissing many frogs in the process), and the limited time I had with my daughters. All the while, trying to instill values, self-esteem, confidence and trying to bring each daughter’s special talents and gifts to the surface.

At the time, I felt like I was spread too thin and I didn’t have the time to do anything right. Much of the time I felt like the Linus character in the Peanuts comics, my voice sounding like, “wah, wah, wah”; nobody listening to what I was saying, believing or teaching.

As I listened to the music and the lyrics, it became validation that my daughter, who was 23 at the time, had listened, had believed and had become all and more than my dreams for her. I cried through every song.

Single mothers out there, don’t get discouraged, don’t stop talking, teaching or mirroring. They hear you. You are the single most important person in their lives. Who they become will be a direct result of who YOU are. Make the best of it.

Playlist

1. I Love You Just The Way You Are ~ “I said I love you and that's forever and this I promise from the heart. I could not love you any better I love you just the way you are.”

2. I Can Do That! ~ “I'm watchin' Sis go pitterpat…. Said, "I can do that, I can do that."Knew ev'ry step right off the bat….Said, "I can do that, I can do that."

3. Stray Cat Strut ~ “ I’m flat broke but I don’t care, I strut right by with my tail in the air.”

4. It’s a Hard Knock Life BUT The Sun Will Come Out Tomorrow (Stephanie played Molly in a production of Annie when she was 6 years old.)

5. The Greatest Love of All ~ “Learning to love yourself is the greatest love of all.”

6. The Rainbow Connection ~ “I’ve heard it too many times to ignore it, there’s something that I’m supposed to be. Someday we’ll find it, the Rainbow Connection, the lovers, the dreamers and me.”

7. Angels Among Us ~ “I believe there are angels among us, sent down to us from somewhere up above. They come to you and me in our darkest hours to show us how to live, to teach us how to give, to guide us with their light of love.”

8. In The Living Years ~ “Say it loud, say it clear you can listen as well as you hear.”

9. Here, There and Everywhere ~ “Each one believing that love never dies, watching their eyes and hoping I’m always there….”

10. The Wind Beneath My Wings ~ “I can fly high as an Eagle….cause you are the wind beneath my wings.”

The Trade Off

Yesterday we buried my Mother. It was more of a celebration than a funeral. Her quality of life had been poor for a long time. And yet, there is still a hole in one's heart when they become a 58 year old orphan.

There were tears and breaking hearts as my Mother's Grandchildren shared memories and the one common thread they had in each story; that she made each of them feel as if they were her favorite. My Mother was a hard act to follow. She embodied love and charity.

I held it together for most of the funeral but I could feel the panic start to rise when we pulled into the cemetery and saw the American Legion standing there with the flag waiting to honor my Mother's military service with a 21 gun salute. It was hot, and my heart began to beat as if I had been running.

Surrounded by a sea of faces that seemed familiar and yet I didn't really know, I sat next to my sister as we waited for everyone to arrive from the mortuary. The pall bearers carried the casket and set it down in front of us , then each removed the boutonniere from their lapel setting them on top.

Ava, my five year old Granddaughter was suddenly on my lap. Fireworks always hurting her ears, feared the noise of the guns and she put my hands over her ears. My head was pounding with the same rapid beat of my heart. This was it, the end. They would lower my Mother's body into the ground, all the ceremonies would be over and we would be left with just memories.

Then.....I felt two, small, cool hands lay softly upon my shoulders. It was Ryen. My tender-hearted 9 year old Granddaughter. This same Granddaughter who broke down in the hospital and sobbed the night my Mother died. The same child who texted me the next day to see how I was doing. I felt my heart begin to slow it's pace, the throbbing in my head began to dull and I began to breathe again.

Ryen was born during the last year of my deceased husbands illness. When everyday was filled with such dreaded expectation and sadness, this child, my first full blooded Granddaughter, gave me a reason to keep my heart open, to stay present, to realize that life goes on and so does love.

Not too long after my husband died, I took Ryen out to dinner, just she and I. When we went inside the restaurant it was daylight and when we left there was the most glorious sunset that I had ever seen. Soon it was dark and I made a comment of how sad it was that the sunset had disappeared. She looked up at me with her huge, round, blue eyes and said, "Don't be sad, Grandma, there will be pink skies tomorrow."

Although I love my beautiful Grandchildren equally, this child and I have a special bond; maybe even a Divine Contract. She volunteered. "'I'll go", she said. "I will be there when her heart is breaking because my heart is big enough for the both of us."

I promise to be there when love first disappoints Ryen and her heart is broken for the first time, to always remind her that the gift she brings to the world heals, inspires, motivates and emulates that of our Maker. I will always tell her that her life has a special purpose, that she is humangelic, part human, part angel. She was born to spread love, soothe the downhearted and remind us all that loss will always have a trade off. And sometimes that trade off is in the form of a beautiful Granddaughter.

I will teach her the importance of keeping her heart open, no matter what, because love is the only thing that is real, and will heal. And that her special heart.....is big enough for the both of us.

You Think You Are Ready...

Tonight at 9:55, we allowed my 87 year old mother to die.

Dad died in 1988 and Mom has wanted to die ever since.

She was the spunkiest woman I have ever known. She was a Sergeant in the Marine Corp. during World War II, and made it clear to my sister that she wants a 21 gun salute at her funeral. My sister offered me the flag because she has my Dad's, but really, that doesn't interest me. I don't want anything that reminds me that there ARE wars in the world.

I don't want anything that reminds me that we allowed her to die.

She taught me that the word "shit" was one of the most powerful words in the English language but for it to maintain it's power, it must be used in the most appropriate circumstance. She taught me to always do hospital corners when I made a bed. She taught me to stick up for myself and that I could DO anything or BE anyone I wanted to BE. She taught me to NEVER be intimidated by anyone.

She was a stickler when it came to using proper English which in turn made me a stickler with my daughters. All this became a gift to me. Like polished buttons on a marine jacket, she polished my rough edges. I became a woman of strength, substance, opinion, and discipline. And yes, one who uses the word "shit" in the most appropriate of circumstances.

I'm not sure what happened to my Mother's spunk, but for the last few years she had given up on life. She sat in a chair and read book after book until her eyes went bad, and withdrew a little further when her hearing started to go. Creating Hell between her ears, she existed in a quiet world which was ruled by fear and worry.

She lost a down syndrome baby at three months old, soon after giving birth to stillborn twins. This cut the wind from her sails but she pulled herself together creating a successful career at a local hospital. She was the boss and it suited her.

We butted heads while I was growing up. She was overprotective which I really did not understand until much later, after I had my own children and realized how tragic it would be to lose one of them.

Actually she was the perfect choice to be my mother. By bumping up against her values, religious believes, her fear and worry, I discovered myself. Our debates forced me to read and study, to meditate, to ASK for Divine guidance, to seek my own truth, to find my own inner peace and to never fear or worry about the unknown.

She lived with my sister and when they would vacation I would take care of her. I would spend days trying to teach her about the power of thought and how we create our own reality and she would really "get it." I made her watch "Life is beautiful" every time she stayed with me. The problem was that she had dementia and would forget as quickly as I would teach.

Tuesday morning my sister went down to my Mother's apartment and found her on the floor between the bed and the wall. She had fallen and broken a hip.

The paramedics arrived with their sirens on and transported her to the hospital. Her health was poor to begin with and because of the blood thinner she took everyday to avoid blood clots, they postponed her surgery while they gave her frozen plasma to thicken her blood. During the night, her kidneys started to fail as did her heart. Her lungs began to fill with fluid and the decision was made to try to get her stronger and healthier before they did the surgery. Then the medication influx began but the one that was to clear her kidneys did not work. We were told that once the anethesiologist got her under, they may have to leave the tubes in indefinitely. She could throw a clot because of her history of clots which was exacerbated by the fact that they had to thicken her blood. I could see the train wreck before it happened.

She spent the day talking about her experience in Netherworlds, about times in the past and about people in the present who had left this world long ago. She asked question after question that were impossible to answer because they were preposterous. She told the Respiratory Therapist that she was mad at him and the nurse that she owed her a dance. She told my sister that she could walk on water and wondered why my sister could not.

We spent the day looking for rehabilitation centers, finding out about veterans benefits for hospice care, and worrying about the warnings we had received from the doctors of all the things that could go wrong with this high risk surgery. Each time the doctor would come in there were more warnings, more symptoms, more questions for us to answer.

And then.... The doctor came in and mentioned another option. Stop all the medication and keep her comfortable. He finally came clean with the truth. If they removed the oxygen, she would not be able to sustain life on her own.

My sister and I, without having to say a word, looked at each other and knew what she would want us to do. We gathered all our children and grandchildren to say goodbye.

It took much longer for nature to take it's course than we had hoped, as if she was saying, "I'll leave when I get damn good and ready." Eventually, that old broken body let her go and the room was filled with peace. The doctor came in to pronounce the death and praised us for making a decision that was in our mother's best interest, but after watching her fight death for one hour, neither of us felt praiseworthy. We signed papers, gave instructions, went through all the motions in a fog. After the day we had just spent my mind was mush.

But as we finished up the loose ends and walked to my car, I had to think to myself, "You know...I think she really does walk on water."

I love you, Mom. I imagine Dad taking you by your healed arthritic hands and pulling you close; twirling and laughing and flipping your skirt to show off those beautiful legs that you were always so proud of. I am so at peace to know that you and Dad are together again, right where you belong.....

What If???

ON RELATIONSHIPS…..

• WHAT IF you had no expectations?
• WHAT IF you could be ALONE without feeling lonely?
• WHAT IF you placed no agenda or projected the future onto budding relationships?
• WHAT IF you allowed a relationship to evolve at its own pace?
• WHAT IF when someone left the relationship, you didn't feel rejected?
• WHAT IF you could have your needs met outside of a ROMANTIC relationship?
• WHAT IF you don't have to give up yourself to be loved?
• WHAT IF everyone could be your soul mate?
• WHAT IF everyone you met was assigned to you either to teach you or learn from you:
• WHAT IF you became emotionally available by learning about yourself?
• WHAT IF there isn't just ONE "TYPE" of person just for you?
• WHAT IF you stayed in a relationship when you felt commitment anxiety..... Until you worked through your fears.?
• WHAT IF equality could be maintained in a relationship if each had a strong sense of their OWN individuality?
• WHAT IF you could AGREE to DISAGREE about issues that cause conflict in the relationship?
• WHAT IF You redefined gender roles?
• WHAT IF power and control were not necessary?
• WHAT IF winning an argument was not important?
• WHAT IF divorce wasn't failure?
• WHAT IF divorce had the potential to free you from an unsatisfactory relationship, allow you to DEVELOP as an adult and CHANGE in gratifying ways?
• WHAT IF sometimes, divorce is positive and necessary and can result in greater personal contentment, increased self-esteem and healthier levels of psychological functioning.?
• WHAT IF you are only alive to learn how to LOVE and FORGIVE?
• WHAT IF WE CHANGED OUR BELIEFS AND EXPECTATIONS ABOUT RELATIONSHIPS

I Am Like Him That Way

I was one of the lucky ones. I had a father who loved me and KNEW that LOVE WAS A VERB. His style of loving was through service. I am like him that way.

He always believed in the best that I could be and always saw the best in others. I am like him that way.

He would say "hello" and would strike up conversations with strangers. I am like him that way.

He loved everyone. Judgement was not a word in his vocabulary. He didn't buy into social status, ethnic differences or religious barriers. He saw all races as the Human Race. I am like him that way.

He worked hard for his family who always came first. (After his Spiritual Growth) I am like him that way.

He always was in competition with himself, to become better than he was before. To ever be his "Personal Best". I am like him that way.

He had ADHD, though back then a thing like that was never defined. It created his drive, his excellence, his creativity, it expanded his mind to where ordinary minds will not go. I am like him that way.

I lost my Dad in 1988. He was on the run, driving down the freeway when an aneurysm burst in his abdomen and he bled out in the median, in 20 minutes. His main concern was that he pulled off the freeway not to cause an accident, and when the paramedics arrived, his concern was for them, telling them he would be "all right".

Of course, I didn't make it to the hospital before they had closed his eyes and covered his head. I didn't get to say "goodbye". But as I walked to my car from the emergency room door, I heard him call my name. He said it with a rare inflection that was undeniably recognizable.

I had just divorced the year before. I had lost my faith in men in general, always comparing who I was dating to the man I held on a pedestal. He was the last man on earth who I REALLY trusted. My grief was unbearable for awhile. The injustice of it, that he had worked so hard all of his life, never getting the opportunity to retire, relax and enjoy life.

One day, while these thoughts were floating around in my head, I heard his voice. He said, "Terri, my death was my reward. I accomplished what I was born to do. Learning to love well is all there is."

Yes, He had learned to "Love Well". And I will spend the rest of MY life trying to be like him that way......

It's All In How You Frame It.

The other day, someone said to me, “You have had a really tough life.” This comment surprised me, I thought that I had given up all the old stories years ago, but here was someone mirroring for me what they saw to be my truth; that damn mirroring technique that God created is so powerful when we recognize it for what it is. Mirroring shows us what is still lurking in the recesses of our sub-conscious mind. And it is always about us and the way we see ourselves. Really. The person was referring to my divorce, raising three young daughters by myself, financial struggle, and the pre-mature death of my second husband preceded by the difficulty of raising 7 teenagers (4 of whom did not have my blood running through their veins). Opening a business and losing hundreds of thousands of dollars to a dishonest business partner forcing me to to close the doors. Yes, I did experience these things but it is not the experiences that define me.

I imagine myself in my pre-existence before I incarnated as Terri Kennedy sitting at a computer writing the program for my life. A program which would teach me the lessons I still needed to learn using an algorithm of choices; A program that insured that any choice I made would result in my growth. Growth can be seen as messy or as an ever expanding, changing set of circumstances that repeat until we get it right. And when we get it right? And we hold our power? There is nothing that feels quite as wonderful. I look back on my life and the path of choices I walked, all of it, the good, the bad and the ugly. Now, I see a beautiful path of golden light sparkling with knowing, shining with triumph, glittering with growth. How I got here is irrelevant. I let the experiences of pain and trauma go to embrace all that they offered me; such amazing, splendid gifts. I am who I am because of where I have been, but where I am going is what concerns me now.

So when this person made this comment to me, I responded automatically, “My life has been triumphant! I have amazing, grown up daughters and step-sons, brilliant grandchildren, a partner who "gets me" and many friends all who surround my life with love.” What more could I want? What I want is to be a fully realized Human Being, to keep climbing and learning no matter what experience life throws at me. Bring it on!

Look at your own life. Drop the story. Find the sparkling gift hidden within it. And always remember the secret to finding peace and happiness is ALL in HOW you frame it!

Dance for Him

Oh Mom, I wanted this one chance

To be one chosen here to dance.

I prayed my name was on the list

but I was one who was dismissed.

My pirouette was flawless

My hair the perfect style,

I looked the judges in the eye

And did my polka with a smile.

I watched as others made mistakes

While I remembered every stance.

But the other girls were chosen

So today I will not dance.

Why did God not hear my prayer?

My request was very clear.

I did my part to do my best

And still he did not hear.

I dare not think His love for me

Is less than all the rest,

But still I will not dance today

He has denied my one request.

My darling dancing daughter,

God heard your whispered prayer.

He loves you like the others.

Please don't think God doesn't care.

God wants to make you stronger

To build your character and depth.

I am sure that He was with you

And shed his own tears as you you wept.

He feels your hurt and sorrow

And he's there to ease your pain.

He'll burn within your soul

to give you strength to try again.

From now on you'll practice harder,

Until you'll ache from every limb...

You may not dance today, dear one.

But someday you'll dance for Him.

Pink Blossoms

Occasionally, I am stopped by an incident in my life that motivates me to look back at all the synchronistic, coincidental, tragicformational happenings that had to have taken place for me to arrive right here at this moment. Every time I do this, I am blown away by the hand of God in my life. There is no other rational explanation.

Sometimes the incidents are simple. Someone needs information and I have the answers. Why would this person ask me the question? And WHY would I have the answers? Why was I there at that particular moment to answer the question?

Sometimes the incidents aren't so simple. Like when my late husband came home from a doctor appointment, telling me that the doctor wanted to run more tests. Showing me his palm he pointed to the muscles which had started to atrophy. Quietly, without fanfare, a symbol flashed through my head of a woman's hand. A woman I had known and learned to love; a woman who had died of Lou Gehrig’s disease. There was nothing similar about the way the hands looked. The disease manifested completely differently in this woman. It was a strange little vision.....but I knew exactly what it meant.

I looked into my husband’s eyes and said, "You have Lou Gehrig's disease." As I look back on it now, it was a crazy thing to blurt out to someone. Four months later, the doctors had ruled everything else out and uttered to him the acronym, ALS, for the first time.

In that four months, we were able to purchase life insurance. At the time, His sons, from his previous marriage were the beneficiaries of the policy he had in place. We had only been married 4 years when this incident took place and hadn't done any of the legal work for the second family.

He passed a physical with flying colors. He had never been a drinker, a smoker, never even had taken prescription medication. We purchased a policy that would pay if the policy owner lived three years. He lived three years and 4 months from the time the policy took effect.

I have started to listen to my guardian angel. She is never wrong. She may even be me as my Higher Self.

I remember one time during the deterioration of my husband’s healthy body, feeling as though I couldn't make it through it. I had raised three daughters alone with little financial help. I had to get creative. I created my own business. I got my older daughters working; my oldest as a model who did print work for one of the large department stores in Utah. My middle daughter had been doing local theater without pay for several years, even though she was cast in the leading roles. I found her an agent and she began to do commercials, TV movies and feature films. When she was 8 years old, she made more money than I did that year. Even with all of our creativity, we struggled financially. I gratefully don't think my daughters ever knew it.

I was tired. It is hard being both mother and father to children. It is a job that never provides a paid vacation. Once I re-married things had just started to feel like what I thought "normal" was supposed to feel like. Now this.

I had changed careers twice in my life. I had recently given up my business and was taking care of my husband full time. The thought of starting over again was just as paralyzing as the disease ravaging my husband's body. That was just the tip of the iceberg of my emotions. That was just in the periphery of the heartache that comes from watching your robust, healthy husband lose the use of one muscle group after the other. I couldn't do this, I wasn't strong enough. I had already done all of my struggling, hadn't I?

These were the thoughts on my mind as I parked my car on the street and crossed the parking strip to visit my mother in law. It was spring time, the sun was shining and the sky was a deep computer screen blue. There were three trees planted in the strip and they had just begun to bloom; white puffy blossoms of promise. I looked down at one of the tree trunks. At the very bottom of the trunk where the bark is the thickest, there they were; PINK blossoms poking their daring heads right up through the bark! These delicate, beautiful blossoms had found the strength to find the sun. And so could I. And I did.

There are many ways that the Universe speaks to us. It can be in the form of a meaningful image in our head, a voice in our head, a gut feeling that won’t let go or a simple object lesson, like brave blossoms showing us the way. We just have to stay clear and aware that messages are all around us if we have the eyes to see, the ears to hear and the heart to believe.

Life will continue to throw us a curve. We may have to start over many times in our life. Starting over gives us the opportunity to learn new lessons, explore new horizons and most of all, grow!!

Don't curse the recession, your job loss, the break up with a lover or a spouse. Life is all happening FOR you, not TO you. Always look under the surface of every situation or incident that seems to tear you apart; actually, they are putting you back together in a more complete way.

Our prayers are answered not when we are given what we ask but when we are challenged to learn deeper spiritual lessons that teach us to become the person we were born to be.